As The World Turns

(This is my standing ovation to all the mommies in my life, near and far! I applaud you!)

Have you ever just sat during a moment in your life and wondered, How did I get here? And I don't mean this in a bad way either.  I have had those WOW moments lately as I have sat and observed so many of my friends as mommies.  I must say, it is a surreal yet wonderful moment.  I went through so many different chapters in my life with these women in my life, from failed relationships to a new bustling city, from finding ourselves to finding our significant others.  It has been an awesome journey, and now I sit back and watch some of the most amazing women in my life experience motherhood.  It's funny how I can remember back to my childhood playing pranks, dancing on the bleachers at the out-of-town park, learning how to drive, lazy days out at the lake and now I see these girls wiping faces and kissing owies (had to look that spelling up!). And the thing is, I admire my friends.  They have reached that newest chapter of where most of our lives are taking us. I see them get overwhelmed at times with the overly tired child, or the tantrum that they know is going to last a while and then those moments where the child grabs her hand and tells her in a soft voice, "I love you Mommy." I just sit and think, When did we all grow up? And then another thought hits me...When will it be my turn?

Enough of the self pity and wallowing. Most of the time I am amazed at how my friends are going through this self discovery of motherhood.  Some know what they are doing because they came from large families with lots of little ones always running around (ok, know what they are doing to a point, but this are the ones I consider very confident with mommy-hood) and others are figuring it out as they go.  I commend them for that.  The amount of patience I have witnessed with a hurt child or the lack of sleep, fussy child is awesome.  I keep thinking, this is why I was meant to wait.  Patience is not always known as my strongest quality. I am also one of those kinds of people that for the most part needs to see someone else do something before I do. You jump off that 30 story building with only a small wire holding you and land smoothly, then I'll do it! Go ahead! This little tidbit is something I am famous for with regards to my twin.  She was the first one to get the job life guarding and I thought if she could do it, I could do it.  She moved out first...then I moved out.  She got married...well heck, then so can I (that one took about 5 years later to convince myself I was capable...oh yeah, and to find Mr. Right too!). =) So now it stands that my sister, and many of my friends have built their families with one or two, and some with even three, little ones running around.  Did I say running? Yes, my friends have kids that are going to be old enough to babysit my little one someday with such a gap in ages.  LOL!

I mean, when did our lives become BBQs in the backyard chasing toddlers and watching giant questionably shaped characters dance and sing (I'm referring to some giant one eyed creature on a show I can't think of the name of...I know, I know. That will be my reality someday)? Haha, clearly "our" is used loosely here.  I have loved all the chapters in my life, whether good or bad, and what they have brought me.  And now that I have started to witness this new ritual called raising a child, I think I can put all my chips in.  So, "put me in coach" (in honor of MLB opening day coming up)! I am ready! And thank you mommy friends for being such great encouraging (even when sleep deprived and speaking in tongues) examples! I bow down to you and your power to be that superhero to those little ones in your lives!  =)

Vocab. Word of the Week

As I was preparing my sophomores vocabulary quizzes for this week, there was one word that jumped out at me, as I just heard it while visiting Dr. M for a follow up to my procedure from 2 weeks ago...benign. To me, this is a funny sounding word, but definitely a word that you want to hear whenever you have something sent off to pathology to be tested.  In my case, that is exactly what Dr. M said about the skin that was removed from my baby oven, otherwise known as my uterus. The guys in the white coats over at pathology also confirmed that I did have a polyp. So, I am no polyp free (yippee! Means less "debris" blocking anything thing from maybe someday soon attaching to said uterus!) and that it was self-limiting (definition for benign), meaning that it only cared about itself and wasn't spawning anymore little polyp friends to spurt up (not to say they won't on their own, but so far so good).

The fact that when I look at my vocabulary quiz for my students and think about my reproductive system throws me off a little.  I mean, who wants to think of having kids when sitting in a classroom with 38 sweaty, loud, rambunctious sophomores anyways? =) I do have to admit though, I was glad to get that clean bill of health.  It's a step in the right direction, isn't it? Now I am waiting for my next appointment with my "special" doctor, aka Dr. S who's business is infertility. That is next week and I am crossing my fingers he has news for me on what our next move is...hopefully it's a horizontal move if you know what I mean! LOL! I crack myself up! Oh geez, now that is just ridiculous. I guess I am a little tired right now...really need Spring Break to get here soon!

When Did My Junk Mail Change?

So, the dog and I make our daily trek to the mailbox (insert guilt here because I know I should be taking her on a longer walk!), and I find a piece of mail that just strikes me as odd.  It is from some kind of insurance company and it opens up by congratulating me on my new baby! WHAT?! That's fabulous. When did I go through the life changing nine months of pregnancy and not realize it? And where is the crying baby I supposedly have? Phew! Back to reality and thank you junk mail for helping point out the glaring fact that I'm not pregnant nor have I been yet! But then I start thinking, when did my longing for a baby go public (beyond my griping on a blog here and there?)? It's kind of like when you have a crack in your windshield and then all of the sudden you start getting tons of junk mail and fliers in your front door asking if you need your windshield repaired.

Needless to say, I have now received several pieces of mail talking about "my baby" or "baby-to-be."  I couldn't help but think, I know I haven't always received this type of junk mail. Aha! I know what I did that invited all this unsolicitated information and thinking about babies (because hey, it's not like I do it enough these days). I was trying to kill two birds with one stone so to speak. A student was doing a fundraiser for her choir and it included selling magazines. I thought, perfect, support the student and why not get a magazine that will help me possibly prepare for my future. So what did I order? Parents magazine of course. I thought I would be ahead of the game and learn some of the tricks to a smooth pregnancy and how to make baby happy once he/she becomes a part of our lives. Clearly, by ordering this magazine, I was shouting to the world (or at least to all those 3rd party companies) that I have baby on the brain!

All in all, I am ok with this junk mail. It makes me feel like maybe a baby really is in the near future. And I did tell myself on New Year's Eve as I wrote down my goals for the year that I WOULD be pregnant this year. Maybe the universe is just starting to prepare me a little more for what will hopefully be my reality some day.

I'm Not Selfish Enough?!

What an interesting title right?! That was a comment the hubby made to me tonight as we were eating dinner out in our backyard on the patio enjoying a beautiful warm spring Vegas evening. We were talking about our future, and what it might have in store for us.  We are hoping to have a diagnosis soon for why we might not be getting pregnant (and NO, it is not to "just relax"...) and so we were having the whole "what if?" conversation.  That brought up the topic that my hubby said I don't allow any time to do anything really for myself.  He said (in a very kind way) I don't have anything for relieve my stress or to allow me to relax. And this is who I am, a very frantic kind of person who takes everything I am told so personally (like parents of my students complaining or an issue with a kid in class)  This specifically came up because I have been having so many headaches lately.  My hubby is a head high school baseball coach, and enjoys it immensely. He shared with me tonight that he feels most at home on the field and said that is where it gets to release a lot of his stress, throwing the baseball, yelling occasionally (oh, who am I kidding? It's probably frequently knowing the man I love, lol), and being so in tuned with the game and the kids. He quite literally said, my hillbilly hubby, that coaching baseball makes him as "happy as a pig in s#!t." Gotta love the man.

But this really got me thinking, what do I do for myself? I occasionally splurge and go to the spa to get a massage or a facial (well, ok, maybe once a year) and I don't stop myself from buying a book every now and then that I know I will one day stick my nose into.  But really, I don't do a lot that "relaxes" me on a regular basis.  And when thinking about it, I couldn't even really name something off the top of my head that I could say would be my go-to relaxing activity (like yoga or swimming or anything like that...notice I how associate relaxing with some kind of physical activity? Maybe that's my problem. hehe.).  I sometimes will lounge in the bath, but I feel that all I end of up doing is thinking about how I need to be better at really thoroughly cleaning my tub and shower, or I will walk the dog on a nice sunny afternoon, which helps me escape reality for a bit.  The one thing my hubby pointed out that he knows helps relax me are my friends.  I take walks every once in a while with a friend and I think just the act of walking, sweating and gossiping really works.  Unfortunately, with life and such, we can't do it all the time.  So...this got me to thinkin'! What can I pick up, a hobby or activity so to speak, that can take me away from reality for just a little bit and help me to "find my happy place" in order to relieve some stress (and hopefully eliminate some headaches too)?

Here's where you come in friends! What are some suggestions to help a girl become a little more stress-free in this oh-so-stressful world we live in today? And secondly, who wants to join me trying some of the out?! =)

My Kids on Kids

I teach English to high school students, Freshmen and Sophomores to be exact, and it is always crazy to me how curious they are about my life.  Needless to say, "my kids" I refer to are my students.  I teach 203 students throughout my day and spending 181 days with them, they are bound to know things about me aside from the fact that I am their fun, witty, and intelligent English teacher (like that little boost of myself?). Since I got married 2 1/2 years ago, my kids have been asking when the hubby and I would start a family.  This seems to be the case each year, but for some reason they seem to be a little more curious about it this year. Just today, 2 of my classes brought up the baby question (which I always skillfully dodge) and then after school I ran into a former student who asked as she was passing, "Hi! So are you pregnant yet?" My response of course was not yet, to which she said, "Well hurry up already!"

It's funny how they seem so eager to see me knocked up, but what they aren't realizing is how I'll probably be a hormonal, raging you know what.  LOL! I would say that they might be surprised to see that new side of me, but...I'm not sure that it's something that they would consider a new side they haven't seen.  =)

With the kids talking about babies in my classes, the have also brought up the fact of names.  There is always those one or two kids of course that thinks my offspring should be named after them (Luis & Rohit in this case).  It cracks me up. If only kids knew that teachers, I think of all people, have the toughest time picking out names.  We have such stigmas that follow names, and especially with 2 teachers being married, there seem to be more names than not which get veto'd because one of us has had a kid with that name, and we couldn't stand him!

I love that my kids are so excited for one day the possibility of a little mini-me running around and I really appreciate their enthusiasm about it.  One class, who I told today that they have too much information on me (right after one of the kids told me she was going to write a story about my life...I told her only if I get 50% of the royalities!), said they think I should wear a shirt when I do get pregnant  that says "Finally, I get a kid of my own." Gotta love them!

Babies

If you want a good laugh, and a fascinating hour, watch the documentary Babies. It follows four babies born in four different cultures (US, Japan, Mongolia, and Africa) from birth through their first year.  There is no commentary, just snip its of these four babies and their lives.  I laughed (one baby is tied up to the bottom of the bed to keep him out of harms way while I assume mom and dad are working outside, yet he still manages to get a roll of paper and proceeds to eat it) and I cringed (apparently it is custom in some African cultures to wipe the baby's butt, to get rid of the poo, on your leg...no diapers... and then just wipe it off with a stick).  It was so interesting to see what the life of a baby is like in such different cultures.  I admit, I am very fond of our Western cultural beliefs, like certain hygiene factors, but was captivated by how life is in other corners of the world. 

This film made me wonder, how will we raise our babies (when we eventually get there of course)? What do I believe? I have to be honest, I will look at my baby getting knocked over by the dog or eating something off the floor with a little less panic! I mean, one baby sticks what appears to be an animal bone from out in the dirt in his mouth and we know he is just fine.  LOL! Or another baby basically has a rooster hop up on the bed with him and squawk around in his face, and he seemed to be ok! =) I'm just saying, I hope I can maintain a certain sense of relaxation when I eventually find myself raising a baby through year one! If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it (if you can handle these kinds of films).  My hubby on the other hand couldn't quite stay attentive through even five minutes of it.  He's just not "there" yet when it comes to laughing at babies, and the things they do.  hehe!

Final thought: Babies will get into things, they will put nasty stuff in their mouths, and they will want to express themselves as loud as they can, but none of that can detract from how amazing it will be to watch that first year from the eyes of your baby!

Stop the Silence

My sister just sent me this article and I feel here would be the most appropriate place to share it considering what it talks about. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dina-roth-port/infertility-the-disease-w_b_819978.html?ref=fb&src=sp. Check it out.  It is great.  It talks about the importance of talking about infertility and how it shouldn't be this silent secret. Loved the comparison of it to breast cancer and how when something is talked about, the amazing power it has to get more support, testing, funding, etc. Wouldn't that be wonderful for this epidemic that plagues 1 in every 8 couples?! The one thing I think would be great coming from the discussion of infertility would be the coverage from insurance companies.  The amount of stress alone from having to pay for the tests and further processes of fertility treatments is crazy but to have that compounded on the stress of not getting pregnant on your own is just unbelievable. Let's start talking!

A World Without Friends...

A world without friends and family would be no place to live.  The support I have is amazing.  I am so blessed and fortunate to have amazing people in my life.  This revelation of course is not new to me, but after 13+ hours of sleep and rest after my hysteroscopy yesterday, and having my awesome family and friends calling and coming over throughout the afternoon, I realized that no matter what, I have people around me to help me through life's ups and downs.  And if there is a time in one's life when support is definitely needed, it would be when going through infertility! I have such amazing, caring, and loving people on my side.  I have had women who I admire and look up to tell me that they are praying for me and understand what I am going through. That right there has such an impact on me.  And I believe that if women all together realized the amount of support there is for them as they are going through this experience, it would make such a difference! Having positive, loving thoughts and prayers around me during this time really changes my attitude about it all.  I think much more positively and feel better about what I am going through.  Best of all, I know if I do hit any low points throughout any part of this, I have strong, wonderful people around me. Thank you to all those people, you know who you are, for your love and support.  You mean the world to me!

As for the procedure, it went well.  I have to say it was quite nerve racking! I realized I have never undergone such a serious surgical procedure before.  The closest I came was having my wisdom teeth pulled and even that wasn't so serious.  My amazing friends were there to help yesterday. My husband, who is a head baseball coach, was having his season opening activities yesterday unfortunately, and couldn't be at the procedure, but I had plenty of help from some of my best friends.  It was a tag team effort all day to help me through this procedure, from a ride to school, to covering my afternoon classes, to dropping me off and picking me up, to feeding my stomach which I swore was going to eat itself, and bringing me magazines to occupy my time.  Thank you to all who helped!

The specifics of the procedure are this-after having a sonohysterogram, my fertility doctor said there was a polyp on my uterus. Thus, I would have to have the hysteroscopy to remove it and make sure any other "debris" on my uterus is removed.  I went to my OB/GYN to have this procedure done.  She said there was a possibility that what was called a polyp might just be excess skin and as it turns out, that's exactly what it was.  So I now have pictures of my uterus (that's hot!) and the excess skin has been removed.  I was quite crampy and in pain last night and into this morning, but slept it off.  I am only on the 800mg IBUPROFEN at this point (although the lortab worked wonders yesterday!) and feeling much better.  I am sure all this rest and relaxation has helped.  So now you might be asking...what's next?

I believe at this point we go back to our fertility doctor to get diagnosed and then move on with our options.  I am excited to be getting to this point in the process.  I know I have become frustrated lately with how long things seem to be taking (getting the appointment with my OB, getting the procedure done, and so on), but I know deep down that all great things take time, and that really God ultimately has this all planned out.  Hopefully, I will soon be blogging what is in store for us next! Until then, thanks again for the kind words of love and support!!!

Poked and Prodded

There is one thing that anyone going through infertility will tell you there is no passing on...that is  being poked and prodded. The amount of tests, including having your blood drawn and those oh-so uncomfortable vaginal ultra-sounds, are numerous and like it or not, they must be done. But, I'm sure that if you were to ask anyone struggling to get pregnant, the majority of those women would say they don't mind the tests, especially if they can tell you what might be the problem. Ultimately, the end goal is what we are all doing it for...to be a mom!

With all that being said, I too have undergone quite a lot of awkward tests and the latest one, the hysterosalpingogram (or HSG) which is when they use dye to check out the uterus and the fallopian tubes, concluded that I have a polyp lesion on my uterus that needs to be removed. Really, it is nothing serious. The doctor is not worried about the polyp but assures me they will send it to pathology to test it just to be certain. The main importance of getting this polyp removed is to leave a debris-free uterus ready and willing to "house" a baby when the time comes (and how we will get there will hopefully be what we find out during out next appointment after this procedure).

Am I scared about this procedure? Aw, slightly. I have never had to undergo anything like this before. I have to be knocked out, really for my own comfort, but there is always that part of the paperwork that they make you sign where it tells you all the risks.  The risks include how maybe the procedure could perforate a hole in my uterus or even how I could have an adverse reaction to the procedure and get an infection. Of course, these are not things I want to think about and I know that I am in great hands with my doctor.  And I certainly can't dwell on this before the procedure.  I am sure that would do wonders for my blood pressure!

All in all, I am just trying to go into tomorrow (the procedure is at 1:30) thinking about how great it will be afterwards to move on with the whole fertility process and finally get the diagnosis from the doctor and to eventually find out our plan of attack! And really, my biggest gripe about this procedure is the fact that I can't eat 8 hours before it! Um, yeah, that is NOT going to be easy.  I am going to be teaching in the  morning and I have to say, I am a snacker throughout my day.  LOL! And to top it off, it is Friday and on Friday's our department has treats.  Just what I need, sugary temptation laughing at me.  I told the doctor, me not eating won't bode well for my students.  ;) Hope I don't "bite" their heads off.  I could always wake up at 4am to eat a big breakfast, very tempting, but I think my hour and half more of sleep will be better for me.  So, off to gorge myself with food tonight in the attempts to fill my stomach somewhat before tomorrow.  And hopefully my good friend Christa who is taking me to my appointment isn't tempted to videotape me coming out of the appointment, coming off of the anesthesia. I can almost guarantee that I will be talking up a storm and it will all be nonsense!

Here goes nothing!