Sneaking into my Subconcious

It seems that no matter how much you tell yourself you are NOT going to think about something, your subconscious doesn't feel like it has to follow along.  Anyone going through fertility treatments knows the agony of the 2WW (2 week wait-that period between the transfer and the determining blood test to confirm pregnancy). Well, I feel like my first time around and that experience set me up for more "unwanted" thinking this time around.  For some reason I think my lack of knowledge (especially with knowing about hCG levels) was actually a benefit after our first transfer.  Why you ask? Because it seems that this time around I am neurotically waiting for the typical afternoon phone call after the blood test each time to know what my hCG levels are (these are what ultimately signal whether someone is pregnant by showing if the number is doubling in a 48-72 hour period). And it has been so on the forefront of my mind that I actually had a dream JUST about numbers two nights ago! Let's think about this...I'm an English teacher, not a math teacher.  My mind doesn't see numbers beyond how much something costs or points for an assignment, stuff like that. 

When I woke up the next morning, I just sat there in a daze for a few minutes.  NUMBERS...numbers going up, doubling, watching and hoping and praying for the numbers.  Geez, I kind of feel like someone with huge investments in the stock market right now! Guess I just have a different kind of investment.  =)

So, we continue to wait.  I think part of my anxiousness comes this time around too because even when we get the results from the actual pregnancy test, I still won't believe it because of what happened with our last transfer.  It is one of those points in time where I will be excited for a moment I think (that's assuming we get the GREAT news we are hoping for) and then will go back to worrying about the next blood test and the numbers.  UGH! The human mind...our own minds...they can play such nasty tricks on us.  And I know as many people have told me, Don't worry about it and just relax...trust me, I am trying.  No matter what, I will try to take it one day and one blood test at a time.  Just a little update as of now, we had a blood test Sunday (4dp5dt) and on Monday (5dp5dt) and the numbers went up considerably and Dr. S called to tell us there had been implantation.  That is a great first step! Now........we.......just.........continue.......to........wait. =)