5w3d...That's code for so far, so good!

Moving forward! We have made it to the point where we were able to go in for our first ultrasound today. I couldn't sleep at all this morning, my tummy was doing flip flops. Definitely nerves more than excitement I think. As you can tell by the title, we are 5 weeks 3 days along.  That is exciting in the IF world, but barely a blip on the radar in the pregnancy world. Many people don't say publicly that they are pregnant until they are through the first trimester...that would mean us not saying anything for another 7 weeks.  Me keeping my mouth shut for another 7 weeks?  Ha, not sure how long I could last (clearly not long since I have decided to blog about it).

Also, I really needed today to happen.  I had this horrible feeling that we would go in and Dr. S would say there wasn't anything to see on the ultrasound (although, I am sure all my headaches and queasiness would say otherwise).  As soon as he walked in the room, he said Hi, gave me a big old smile and hand shake and then said, "You look very worried. Are you ok?"  I told him I was fine, just nervous.  He assured me that he would have known by the numbers previously if anything wasn't right. He's so sweet and reassuring.

Then we got down to business.  Dr. S just looked at the screen for a minute (which I couldn't see at this point) and said, "Well, you're definitely pregnant. And...long pause for dramatics I'm sure...there's two!" Insert an emotional burst of tears and there we are! The hubby was by my side to see when they turned the screen in our direction and asked if they were tears of happiness.  Of course they were.  I was so fearful of this one not working out like the last, I felt it hard to believe my numbers were high and rising rapidly.  I needed more reassurance.  Nothing that I guess a beautiful ultrasound can't cure!!!

So here they are, are beanies.  They are each the size of an appleseed right now.  We have another ultrasound next week to make sure there are just two, one in each sac.  =) LOL! I think we'll take this crazy enough status as it is, with 2 little beans!!!


We still have quite a ways to go!!!   We won't be REALLY in the clear until we hit 9 weeks pregnant and then Dr. S will release us to my OB/GYN. After that point, miscarriage would be less than a 2% chance.  I will eagerly get through each day saying many prayers and lots of positive thoughts. 

Grow beanies grow!!!

I've Been Avoiding You Haven't I?!

If you think I have been a little quiet on here and posting about kind of obscure, non-transfer related things, you are probably right.  Why?, you may ask. Well, after our successful transfer in June and that loss, I got scared.  Really that's all I can chalk it up to. It's scary putting yourself out there and having people really care about and congratulate you, and then having to explain that it didn't work out (silly thing is, I guess it's easier to do it through a blog then in person).  Duh! Now I know why they tell people to get through their first trimester before going public.  But, with that said, I feel like the IVF world is a little different because some people know you are going through the process and eventually the gig is up, you have to have some news (also, because a couple months ago I made the conscious effort to start a blog about my crazy life...note to self- if I really didn't want people knowing, I guess I wouldn't blab it on the internet.  LOL!).  =) So, with that being said, I'm sure most of you have put two and two together and realized that it's been 14 days since our 2nd transfer. And if that's the case, you are sure that we must have some news.  LOL! Well, we do.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, the most important thing after a FET (frozen embryo transfer) is the hCG levels.  Well, we have been eagerly watching mine, and let's just say, they are more impressive than the first go around. I have had 5 blood tests since our transfer and the numbers are more than doubling (that is great!).  I wish I could say I am jumping for joy, but I think my mind is taking over my heart this time around.  We have classified ourselves as cautiously happy! I am sure the caution will eventually dissipate, but that will take a little time. 



So, I figure for those of my friends who are teachers, we have all been away from school for a little too long and I am sure we all need to get back into that mindset of school.  What better to get us in that mindset than good 'ole numbers (I as an English teacher would prefer some good literature, but I figure the NY Times article in the last post could qualify as that). These are my hCG levels/numbers (and I know most of you are IVF/FET-illiterate, but I assure you, these are good numbers...high achieving numbers like me!):
Beta #1 (8/7/11-4dp5dt) - 17
Beta #2 (8/8/11-5dp5dt) - 59
Beta #3 (8/10/11-7dp5dt) - 185
Beta #4 (8/13/11-10dp5dt) - 546
Beta #5 (8/15/11-12dp5dt) - 1624

Now what? We continue to live life, relax as much as possible, and continue to be poked for more blood tests as well as prepare ourselves for some other tests coming up.  As always, I will keep you posted.  There may be a  little break here and there as school is getting ready to start, but I will not forget about those of you who are loyal followers (I'd say Thanks Mom at this point, but I don't think she has figured out how to become one of my 16 actual followers yet. hehe!). Thanks again all for the love and support! Enjoy the rest of your summer, as short as it is.  Maybe dream of a paradise like the one below to get you through your work week if your summer did not allow a hiatus from your job! =)

Pregnant with Twins but...they only want one. Crazy!

Wow is all I can say after reading this NY Times article. It is a little long, but worth it. I just think, I can't imagine if me or my twin weren't born! How can someone really make that choice just because they think that having twins is going to be more exhausting or they won't be able to handle it? I mean, I understand, trust me.  I am 1/2 of a whole (I know the trouble twins can get into, I lived it!), but to actually  go through everything you can to try to get pregnant and have a baby (because most of these reductions are done for IVF patients), then you take the risk of eliminating one.  It just baffles me! Read the article and tell me what you think.  I am interesting in hearing your thoughts. I want to say I understand and can see why in some cases, but I just can't. 

The Two-Minus-One Pregnancy


http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/14/magazine/the-two-minus-one-pregnancy.html?pagewanted=all

Sneaking into my Subconcious

It seems that no matter how much you tell yourself you are NOT going to think about something, your subconscious doesn't feel like it has to follow along.  Anyone going through fertility treatments knows the agony of the 2WW (2 week wait-that period between the transfer and the determining blood test to confirm pregnancy). Well, I feel like my first time around and that experience set me up for more "unwanted" thinking this time around.  For some reason I think my lack of knowledge (especially with knowing about hCG levels) was actually a benefit after our first transfer.  Why you ask? Because it seems that this time around I am neurotically waiting for the typical afternoon phone call after the blood test each time to know what my hCG levels are (these are what ultimately signal whether someone is pregnant by showing if the number is doubling in a 48-72 hour period). And it has been so on the forefront of my mind that I actually had a dream JUST about numbers two nights ago! Let's think about this...I'm an English teacher, not a math teacher.  My mind doesn't see numbers beyond how much something costs or points for an assignment, stuff like that. 

When I woke up the next morning, I just sat there in a daze for a few minutes.  NUMBERS...numbers going up, doubling, watching and hoping and praying for the numbers.  Geez, I kind of feel like someone with huge investments in the stock market right now! Guess I just have a different kind of investment.  =)

So, we continue to wait.  I think part of my anxiousness comes this time around too because even when we get the results from the actual pregnancy test, I still won't believe it because of what happened with our last transfer.  It is one of those points in time where I will be excited for a moment I think (that's assuming we get the GREAT news we are hoping for) and then will go back to worrying about the next blood test and the numbers.  UGH! The human mind...our own minds...they can play such nasty tricks on us.  And I know as many people have told me, Don't worry about it and just relax...trust me, I am trying.  No matter what, I will try to take it one day and one blood test at a time.  Just a little update as of now, we had a blood test Sunday (4dp5dt) and on Monday (5dp5dt) and the numbers went up considerably and Dr. S called to tell us there had been implantation.  That is a great first step! Now........we.......just.........continue.......to........wait. =)

Part of a Sisterhood

One thing I never expected going into this whole infertility world was the sisterhood that I would be joining.  It has been AMAZING! I was first blown away by the amount of women, some I am quite close to, who have experienced issues with their fertility (and for the most part, I didn't know).  But I am so comforted by the bond I now have (some with complete strangers that I have met and since become friends with)! This experience, trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years, then going into a fertility clinic and going through IVF (actually coming to terms with the fact that I am considered infertile) is something I never imagined would be a reality for the hubby and me. But more than just having all of this bring my hubby and I closer in our marriage and relationship, I have had some beautiful friendships come out of it.  It is crazy to think of women having to go through this silently.  I am grateful for the many voices out there starting to speak up about it (which is evident by the amount of blogs I have been tuned into lately too).

Truly, I am just grateful for the women that have been so understanding since even before the first shot in my tummy because they could relate to what I was going through.  Now don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for all the support from ALL of my friends and family, but there is a certain ununexplainable bond that happens between women who are going or have gone through this.  It helps to have someone to bitch to about the knots in my butt from the progesterone in oil shots, can relate to the agony of watching hCG levels every two or three days post transfer, and who actually get excited by the number of follicles that are developing before a retrieval! I know that someday soon I will join the sisterhood of motherhood, but 'til then, I relish this small, intimate (and largely humorous!) sisterhood that has welcomed me with open arms. 

Double The Odds?!

What's better than 1 shot at trying to get pregnant? 2 shots (well, technically we have a few more if this one doesn't pan out!)! And oddly enough that number has double the meaning. Today we experienced our 2nd IVF transfer. On top of that, we had 2 very good embryos transferred in!! It's been a chill 2 or so weeks since we found out our last transfer ultimately failed and we were roaring & ready to go!!

Couldn't be a better shot of me huh?!  I kind of "dressed up" for the occasion (earrings too!).  I told the hubby, "No reason not to look good when I get knocked up!"  =) There just isn't a flattering shot of me "looking good" I guess with a hair cover on.  LOL!

We felt good knowing what we were going into this time around.  Not rookies anymore!



Gotta have a feet shot right?! I just have to say, I was thankful for the booties since I haven't had a pedi in a while.  Wouldn't want Dr. S to see some bad toes (Ha! Like he is even looking there...you know you all were thinking it!) LMAO! 

So we got to the doctor's office at 11:30 and I immediately had blood drawn.  Then I was whisked to the back room to change and get ready.  By 12:05, the hubby and I were in the Procedure Room waiting for Dr. S and the 2 nurses who assist.  I have to say, I was really jazzed for it this time.  I know I was nervous the first go around and had NO clue what to expect, but there is something to be said about having some more background knowledge about what is going to happen. 

 

Dr. S said we had two good looking embryos to be transferred.  I am waiting for him to reply to my email about what they were graded because that is a whole other bit of information I wasn't aware of asking about until this time around.  I was really excited because I actually saw them be "released" into the wild, better known as my uterus, this time on the ultrasound.  Last time, I am pretty sure I was not looking in the right place and totally missed it.  Yes, I am one of those people who really can't figure out ultrasounds to save my life.  Babies and their "bits" have to really be pointed out to me all the time.  =)  That was so exciting to me though this time.  Hubby talked to me the whole time, asking "Do you see it?"  He wanted to be sure I did this time and I DID! 

 

Now we are on to our 3 days of bedrest.  This to me (along with the waiting to take the preganancy blood test a couple weeks after the transfer) is the hardest part.  I am not the kind of person who can just SIT or LAY around for a day, let alone 3.  I mean, I think that is evident with the fact that I went to school for a few minutes the other day and was excited to walk on campus.  I know, I am a dork! But I truly feel at home in my classroom and at my wonderful school!  Lord knows, I will be begging to have this kind of down time in 3 weeks after school starts, but for now, I will pretend that I really can't wait to get back.  LOL!

 

For a second time, we find ourselves waiting.  We have 4 blood tests over the next couple of weeks and will be keeping a close eye on my numbers, especially the hCG levels. (I explain those levels a little here if you want a better understand of what we are looking for during all these blood tests.) Fingers are crossed, prayers are being said, and we will continue to take it one day and one week at a time!

There's This Awesome New Roller Coaster...

You might be wondering, where is this amazing, exciting, thrilling new roller coaster? Is it scary...thrilling...heart racing? Is it super high with giant climbs and huge drops? Of course it is! You are now asking yourself, which awesome amusement park is this roller coaster inhabiting? What's the roller coaster called? Well, I will not make you wait a moment longer! This crazy new roller coaster is..........
smack dab in the middle of Las Vegas and goes by the name of Michelle's Crazy Life!


I know it might be crazy to compare my life to a roller coaster right now (geez, I know there were times in the past few years where it literally seemed like one even more so than now!), but I can't help it.  I feel like I am at a point, especially getting ready to do our 2nd IVF transfer, where I now know what is going on and how things are going to happen, so why do I feel, in a way, more anxious?! Part of me seems to be some what calmer, knowing how things will operate on that day when we go into Dr. S's office. But I think more than anything, I am even more anxious for the wait after the transfer this time, and then of course that looming pregnancy test and the post-pregnancy blood tests (because I am just going to say it, we are going to get preggers from this transfer! I feel it!).  I feel like our first transfer was a test run.  You know, like a pre-test? Something teachers like to do often just to ease the anxiety of our students.  And I feel like we passed.  We made it through and with what could even be said "with flying colors."  So, then why that icky feeling in my stomach this time, like I'm sitting at the top of the highest point of the roller coaster getting ready to let gravity take control as I soar down the other side? I should be an "old pro" this time around!

And speaking of an old pro, I really feel like I should be over being a baby during my nightly progesterone in oil shots! Nah, that would be too easy for my hubby each time.  =) I mean, I don't drag on the whining, but I definitely make it known how much it hurts for that minute or two.  LOL.  What fun is it if I can't be a little dramatic during this whole process.  For crying out loud, I have been visiting the doctor, having those oh so intimate ultrasounds, getting blood drawn, taking an abundant amount of meds and having shots in my ass for the better half of 3 months now. 

So, as the coaster starts that final slow crawl towards the top of the biggest drop, and the *clink, clink, clink* noise can be heard loud and clear, I will practice my new found breathing from yoga and find my zen place, because I know this drop is going to happen and when I finally get off the ride, I will smile big and proclaim how it was the ride of a lifetime!