When dealing with infertility and especially with IVF, we always need to be aware that things may not
work out as wonderfully as would be anticipated. I think I can only say this after about 24 hours of sitting and thinking about where we find ourselves now at this point in our journey. On Monday, July 11, I went in for another blood test to make sure that my hCG levels were continuing to double. I didn't end up getting my normal afternoon update call and I found myself super anxious. On top of that, I started getting a horrible rash in both spots where I was getting the progesterone in oil shots on my back and decided to email Dr. S to ask what I should do. I also happened to mention I didn't hear back with any levels update and that's when he told me that the blood test went through an outside office, meaning it would take possibly an extra day to get the results back. He did say though that he wanted me to come in on Tuesday so he could look at the rash and determine if it was a reaction to the shots.
So, I went in to see Dr. S yesterday morning and was hopeful to get my levels at that time too. I must admit, I really was feeling confident and positive for this appointment. I just thought he would give me something to take care of the rash, congratulate me on my levels excelling (which as a teacher and A student all my life is the only thing I expect to hear...Yes dear, your body is amazing and continues your A+ status! Ha!) and send me on my way. Boy, was there something else in store entirely! Dr. S took at a look at my rash and told me that I would stop taking the shots. I asked if that was ok, obviously thinking how they are suppose to help the pregnancy. That's when he looked at me and said it was not a problem because actually my levels had dropped, leavning I was dumbfounded.
I wasn't quite sure I was understanding what he just said. I got to give it to Dr. S, he has the sweetest and most sympathetic face. He reiterated what he just said by saying that my hCG levels went from 51 to 41. This is not a good thing. He explained to me that the embryo was just bad and so the pregnancy terminated itself. The body knows when something just isn't right.
It was just hard to hear and accept that after 3 days of embracing what I had wanted so bad.
I am no longer pregnant.
I think I was appearing to handle it well at that moment, but then Dr. S launched into his "You know this isn't your fault" spiel. I lost it at that moment. The tears and snot just started flowing. Oddly enough, at that moment, I felt bad for the nurse who was in the room with us. She just kind of pushed herself up into the corner and waited quietly. Dr. S gave me two big hugs (awkward as it was, it was also really comforting! Thanks Dr. S) and kept telling me that it wasn't because of any exercise I might have done (which, I have to say I really didn't just to stay on the safe side) or because of anything I ate, etc. And he told me that now we found ourselves in a really great position. He said it is great to know that the embryo implanted. That is a huge success. And he is very optimistic for the next transfer.
As I still find myself mentally playing over the events of yesterday, I know in my heart (and I am a true believer) that everything happens for a reason. I have said it all my life and know that God will only give us what we can handle (oh, He gives me so much credit!). I am thankful for all the love and support I continue to receive from friends and family!!!! This is truly the only way we can make it through these ups and downs.
I think that is enough blabbing for now. This is not the end, just a minor time to pause and reflect. I'll keep you all updated in the coming days.
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