For better and for worse!

Three years ago yesterday I married the most amazing man, my best friend and my true love. It was a beautiful, amazing day! One that will always be bright in my bank of memories!

One thing I remember fondly was our vows that we chose to write on our own.  Now I know we didn't go with the traditional "To have and to hold, for better or worse, 'til death do us part..." but we definitely had that element in there (among my promising to learn how to cook more than tuna casserole and not be SUCH a bad back seat driver, to which I must say I have expanded the dinner menu enormously. =) As for the back seat driving, some things are just impossible to change!). I just think about how young (ok, younger) and naive we were then.  And on that day we joined our lives, we certainly didn't think it would take us two years of trying to conceive, and ending up down the path of IVF in our journey to start a family. But what I do know is that my husband has been there for me, no holds bar, throughout this entire journey. And that is something that can be said in vows, but it is the love that is truly shown through action! I am so grateful for him and his understanding through all of this! His support, hugs, encouraging words, gentle shot giving, has shown that he truly meant those words that were said as we stood across from each other three years ago! Thank you honey for being the most amazing husband a woman could ever ask for!

Our vows still have much to speak to as we are continuing on this journey.  We have started our second transfer cycle and will be going through another embryo transfer in the coming weeks.  I was fortunate to have a break from the gamut of hormones that I was on, but only for a week or two.  We have started them again and start the lovely progesterone shots tonight.  Oh joy! =)  We are praying hard and are very optimistic for this second try.  More than anything we are just grateful we get another chance as we are a part of the fertility clinic's study.  So, onward we venture! And hopefully one day soon I will have great news to bring to everyone.  For now, I guess everyone will just have to settle for my silly antics and babble and rants.  =)

Yup, I am her! It's not so bad, right?!

I can't help but talk about some more of the show I have been addicted to lately. You may be asking yourself, just how much TV is she actually watching this summer?  The answer = TOO MUCH!

But, it has been the perfect time (and a great way to stay out of the 100+ degree temps) to watch the whole Sex and the City series (which every girl should enjoy!). So I was just getting into the 6th season, and low and behold there is Charlotte again concerned about getting preggers.  And where does she happen to go in one particular episode? To the acupuncturist! It was great.  I sat there laughing, looking at Charlotte with all those needles sticking out of her and could only think that it must be exactly what I looked like when I went to the acupuncturist the day before our 1st transfer.  I say that because as I was actually there, I didn't have the guts to open my eyes and see exactly what ALL those needles looked like sticking out of my ears, arms, hands, tummy, legs, etc.!

Clearly, me watching all of this series is purely to take my mind off of things (like the impending 2nd transfer, preparing for the start of the school year, being at home all alone for a week, all that good stuff) and I must say, it's working! =) On that note, I will get back to my hour limit of SATC episodes for today and try not to make you think that I am a total couch potato (although, I am sure I'll be begging for this down time come next month as I am on my feet for 7 hours a day educating the youth of America).  =) That's how I make myself feel better while really working in my permanent butt mark at this time! ;)

"We're not barren! We're reproductively challenged!"

Personality Quiz Time...Which Sex and the City character are you?
Are you the oversexed and super horny Samantha? The overbearing, slightly neurotic Miranda? The hopelessly romantic Charlotte? Or the ever lovable and witty Carrie? I certainly thought Sure, I can be a little bit of Charlotte, but I have to have some Carrie in me! Right?!  =)  I'm thinking I finally confirmed that I am more Charlotte than I really wanted to admit!

Why did I come to this realization? Did I find myself wearing pearls and reading Home and Garden magazine? No, not a chance. But what does one do with a summer off, no work, not a lot of friends in town, no commitments beyond doctors appointments and such? Well, besides reading a slew of books, movies have been keeping me some company.  I have made it my mission to watch the entire Sex and the City series through this "down time" summer and I have forgotten how much I liked the show!  And remember all those quizzes that asked, Which Sex and the City character are you? I found myself always being told I was like Charlotte.  This made me laugh, because I didn't think I was that prim and proper...but then I watched an episode last night. It was perfect.  Charlotte and Trey had been trying to get pregnant and there is a specific scene of Charlotte's butt with little bruises and marks from all the hormone shots. Holy crap...there is my summer routine right on the TV (except I have an extremely engaged and supportive hubby, and a much more flabby ass. lol!)! And as Charlotte and Trey are discussing their situation, he calls them a "barren" couple.  And I LOVE Charlotte's response.  "We're not barren. We're reproductively challenged!" This was the greatest episode.  She goes on to say how she met other "reproductively challenged" couples in their building and at the doctor's office.  It's great! Charlotte is making the most of her situation and putting it out there (in her own way) and trying to really understand the situation she finds herself in. 

Hmmm! I guess I do have more Charlotte in me than I thought! =) And I have to say, that's not bad.  She is a very optimistic, hopeful character and at this point in the "game" I feel that's what I really need to be! So, as we move into Transfer Round 2 (yup, we have decided to go ahead again for another cycle), I will put on my "Charlotte face" and keep saying my prayers and thinking positive! And I guess if all else fails, we could just put our names on a list for a Mandarin baby like Lilly. =) Gotta love Charlotte!

Oh Those Little Laws of Nature

I saw this somewhere on the internet and it got me thinking, we are all subjected to nature throughout our lives in several different ways.  And I have to believe that after a few million years, nature knows what it's doing (as well as that higher power I believe in).  But with that said, I thought I would put it out there that after the blood test on Tuesday and finding out that the pregnancy had terminated, we are doing well.  I had another blood test on Friday and Dr. S called and told me that all my levels (hCG and such) are back to zero. That's a great thing! It means we can do another transfer again if we want to. He also confirmed what he had originally thought, that I had what is called a biochemical pregnancy.  What that means is, the body terminated the pregnancy because there were most likely chromosomal abnormalities with the embryo.  Hence...the laws of nature at work.

However, this is not the end for us.  We are fortunate to be apart of a study through our doctors' office that allows us another transfer(s), with us just having to cover the cost of medications.  That is such a blessing (I'll take that snip it of costs any day)! So...what is the next step? We have a consultation with Dr. S on Tuesday to kind of get more of a run down on the transfer, what happened, what it means for future transfers, etc.  I am looking forward to it and to learning more about this process of IVF and infertility!

The crazy thing is, last Tuesday I had to stop taking all my meds immediately.  Talk about "coming down" off of them! I can totally feel the difference in a lot of things (heat flashes are back...didn't miss those, emotions are more up AND down...boy, I was really getting used to feeling "normal" there for a while!). I think my body is getting a bit of a rest though, and then I am sure we will start up the gamut of meds again soon.  Maybe then I will get back to that "normal" feeling I was starting to enjoy so much! =)

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

Not Always A Fairy Tale Ending

When dealing with infertility and especially with IVF, we always need to be aware that things may not
work out as wonderfully as would be anticipated.  I think I can only say this after about 24 hours of sitting and thinking about where we find ourselves now at this point in our journey.  On Monday, July 11, I went in for another blood test to make sure that my hCG levels were continuing to double. I didn't end up getting my normal afternoon update call and I found myself super anxious.  On top of that, I started getting a horrible rash in both spots where I was getting the progesterone in oil shots on my back and decided to email Dr. S to ask what I should do.  I also happened to mention I didn't hear back with any levels update and that's when he told me that the blood test went through an outside office, meaning it would take possibly an extra day to get the results back. He did say though that he wanted me to come in on Tuesday so he could look at the rash and determine if it was a reaction to the shots.

So, I went in to see Dr. S yesterday morning and was hopeful to get my levels at that time too.  I must admit, I really was feeling confident and positive for this appointment. I just thought he would give me something to take care of the rash, congratulate me on my levels excelling (which as a teacher and A student all my life is the only thing I expect to hear...Yes dear, your body is amazing and continues your A+ status! Ha!) and send me on my way. Boy, was there something else in store entirely! Dr. S took at a look at my rash and told me that I would stop taking the shots.  I asked if that was ok, obviously thinking how they are suppose to help the pregnancy. That's when he looked at me and said it was not a problem because actually my levels had dropped, leavning  I was dumbfounded.

I wasn't quite sure I was understanding what he just said.  I got to give it to Dr. S, he has the sweetest and most sympathetic face.  He reiterated what he just said by saying that my hCG levels went from 51 to 41.  This is not a good thing.  He explained to me that the embryo was just bad and so the pregnancy terminated itself.  The body knows when something just isn't right. 

It was just hard to hear and accept that after 3 days of embracing what I had wanted so bad. 

I am no longer pregnant.

I think I was appearing to handle it well at that moment, but then Dr. S launched into his "You know this isn't your fault" spiel. I lost it at that moment.  The tears and snot just started flowing.  Oddly enough, at that moment, I felt bad for the nurse who was in the room with us.  She just kind of pushed herself up into the corner and waited quietly.  Dr. S gave me two big hugs (awkward as it was, it was also really comforting! Thanks Dr. S) and kept telling me that it wasn't because of any exercise I might have done (which, I have to say I really didn't just to stay on the safe side) or because of anything I ate, etc.  And he told me that now we found ourselves in a really great position.  He said it is great to know that the embryo implanted.  That is a huge success.  And he is very optimistic for the next transfer.

As I still find myself mentally playing over the events of yesterday, I know in my heart (and I am a true believer) that everything happens for a reason.  I have said it all my life and know that God will only give us what we can handle (oh, He gives me so much credit!). I am thankful for all the love and support I continue to receive from friends and family!!!! This is truly the only way we can make it through these ups and downs.

I think that is enough blabbing for now. This is not the end, just a minor time to pause and reflect. I'll keep you all updated in the coming days.

Double or nothing...no whammies, no whammies!

What exactly are we hoping will double, you ask? Well, as much as I would like if it had something to do with money (wouldn't that be nice?!), it doesn't.  =)

 It actually is a special little number that is seen with every blood test we are doing since we have done the transfer, numbers referring to the hormone called human chorionic gonadotropin, also known as hCG.  This number is what tells if a woman is pregnant. It is what a home pregnancy, POAS test picks up on to show the exciting word "pregnant"! It is hard to say what number women should have, but there are some charts that say at what number and above constitutes pregnancy.  And then, what the doctor wants to see from every blood test forward is for the hCG level to be at least doubling. Now, most women would probably never be aware of this hormone or what their levels are, and that's understandable.  But women who happen to be going through infertility treatments such as IVF tend to not only know this number, they tend to pray heavily about this number! Trust me...I now am myself.  =)

So, geez get to the point already, right?! LOL! On Tuesday, July 5th I had my first blood test after my transfer.  At that point they added one more medication to my regimen, for a total of 5 meds and I was told to come back in 2 days. Wow, I feel like a druggie throughout my day, popping a bunch of pills, wearing patches, and shooting drugs into my a$$!  Then I had a second blood test on Thursday, July 7th. I was able to talk with the nurse that afternoon and she told me my levels at that point.  I mean, I had been sitting here reading all these blogs and websites (I know, I know, I shouldn't be. It will drive me crazy, but some seem to be pretty informative) and all these women seem to know these numbers, and I was feeling left out.  It isn't information the nurses just offer up when they call.  They are just suppose to tell me about my meds.  So, I asked and here is what the nurse said...my hCG level on Tuesday was a 9, then a 24 on Thursday. That's good.  There is that doubling and essentially it confirmed that our little embryo that was transferred implanted. Success #1!!!

Then I went in for the BIG test on Saturday, July 9th. They were looking for the same numbers in this blood test (estrogen, progesterone, and of course hCG) and the doctor would either tell us we were pregnant or not.  We went in at 7:15am and would have to wait for a call a couple of hours later. Dr. S. called us at 10:55 and said, "Congratulations. You are pregnant!" What?! Really?! It worked?

It did work! My hCG level was a 51 (hello doubling!). We are super excited BUT we do realize that we are still in the very early stages of this pregnancy. We still have many blood tests and ultrasounds ahead of us in the coming weeks and I will still remain on the various medications to help my body prepare to carry this baby.  There was a big debate and a bit of internal conflict of whether I should actually post the words "we're pregnant" on here, but I feel like I haven't held back yet, so why now? I mean, I have been an open book about this whole process and just can't imagine shutting up at this point. We are elated with this wonderful news, but we are taking it one day at a time, and one blood test at a time.  We have our next blood test tomorrow morning, so come on skyrocketing numbers!!!

At this point, we are approximately 4 weeks along and should have an ultrasound in about 8 days just for Dr. S. to take a closer look at things. I am nervous.  I want to shout it from the roof tops but realize the sensitivity of the situation (I know, you are thinking, Really? Because you just shouted it from your blog...close enough to a roof top don't you think?).  LOL! I am feeling good.  I can smell everything 100x more than everyone around me, I swear, and nap at least once or twice a day. Guess those are some typical symptoms. =) I'm just grateful to be on summer break right now and to have a relaxed atmosphere to allow me to go through this time with really no stress! So...there it is.  Success! Now the real journey begins!

Tick Tock

TICK TOCK!!! What's the first thing you think of when you hear these two words? For some reason I can't help myself, but automatically start singing Ke$ha's song..."tick tock on the clock but the party don't stop!" The beat starts pumping; I'm grooving to it in my head.  This is quite the party I am having these days, yeah? =)



But now I am getting away from what I am really thinking about, which ultimately is good I suppose.  My last post was about our FET, or frozen embryo transfer, that took place on Thursday, June 30th. Dr. S called it a successful transfer and then proceeded to tell us the process for the next couple of weeks, known in the IVF world as the dreaded 2ww (the 2 week wait). What the wait refers to is knowing whether or not the embryo implanted and really whether or not we are pregnant (ha, we! Of course I mean the collective whole of the hubby and I as a couple, LOL!) . 



This 2ww started with me being on bed rest for 72 hours. UGH! Yes, it seems just as long or even longer than you can imagine.  I like a good lazy day just as much as the next person, but I am somewhat of a get up and go kind of gal, and I guess I don't mind being lazy...until I am told that I HAVE to be.  =/ Don't get me wrong, I followed the doctor's orders.  I was to stay in a reclined/laying position for 45 minutes and then could get up and move around a bit for 15 every hour.  I never did stay up that long of course.  I usually just would get up and pee and then hurry back to my indented spot of the couch. I feel like the couch now has the perfect mold of my big ol' butt! So, what do you do during 3 days of immobility? The answer is anything you can to keep your mind off of an achy back and butt! Oh, and your impending probability of being preggers!

I watched endless amounts of the Sex and the City series (shockingly I even got my hubby in to some episodes...ok, not shocking right? Not with all the T&A now that I think about it.  LOL!). I read a fantastic book that I am expecting my sophomores to be reading this summer. Definitely got in some Internet surfing (it's amazing how much more I learned about the IVF process during that time) and even accomplished a True Blood 3rd season marathon! And I even had a couple of upbeat friends call, text, message and some who even visited and who were fortunate to see a new "side" of me (haha, =) Thanks Jenn and Amanda for your help!)!!! Needless to say, I survived my bed rest!

However, how about the 7 days after that?! Now it's all about continuing to relax, thinking positive, lots of prayers, and trying to stay busy. I have some friends going through this very same process and it's funny to touch base a couple of days here and there into their 2ww.  It is a consensus I believe that patience, although a virtue, is a bitch during this time (excuse my french)! But with the end goal in mind, IT IS ALL WORTH IT!

I certainly didn't think I would have this long of a rant today. Geez, you must be thinking...Wow, we can tell someone has been a little cooped up! Yes, I feel a little like Chatty Kathy these days.  So I am sure, as I have had many friends ask, you are probably wonder when we will know the BIG news. Today was a blood test to check progesterone and estrogen levels and to start monitoring my hCG levels (those are the ones that end up telling us if we are preggers or not).  The test this morning won't give us any crucial information.  We have one more minor blood test on Thursday and then the pregnancy test on Saturday.  I was informed today that they were lowering my progesterone in oil shots down from 2cc to 1cc.  Those are the shots in the a$$ that are giving me knots the size of Texas. Ok, that is a bit of a dramatic statement.  But I wouldn't put them past being the shape the size of of large grape.  The hubby just said, "Oh honey, those are the size of peanuts." Um, you wanna bet? And let's just say I would win this one! LOL! And then I have had 1 more med added to my regimen, making it up to 5. Phew! That's a lot of hormones for one crazy little chick!

So, we wait.  And I appreciate all my lovely friends and family who are waiting just as anxiously with us.  The big question is whether or not we will reveal our outcome of the pregnancy test here on the blog when we find out.  Some wonder if maybe it is jumping the gun a little because it would be quite early in the pregnancy and we all know that things can happen (I am one of those cautious some at points during the deliberation of to tell or not to tell) but others think that I have already laid my heart, soul, emotions, and a$$ out on the line this far, so why stop now. =)  I truly think that is my overall frame of mind.  No matter what happens, I know I will have love and support from those close to me. We all know the saying, "It takes a village...", well, why not have that village in my most crucial and vulnerable time, right? Guess we'll just have to see how it all plays out.  On that note, my apologies for the longest post in history (did it feel long? Sorry.  I couldn't help it! Lots to say!) and I will keep you posted!