It's Everywhere.

You know how you learn a new word, or notice a new car, and then before you know it you see it everywhere? That's how I feel with infertility, hearing the word, knowing people who are experiencing it, all of that! I was watching Grey's Anatomy last week and Meredith, one of the main characters, is experiencing fertility issues. Reality TV is broaching the subject with Giuliana and Bill Rancic sharing their attempts and hard failures with the world (and I admire them for that!). These are just some of the shows where I have seen this issue brought up.  It's interesting to see how main stream pop culture is starting to acknowledge it.  I feel like infertility was that hush, hush topic that wasn't supposed to be talked about, but that mind set is changing. And I am grateful for that.  I think this is a hard experience to go through and to hear that others are going through it or have gone through it as well certainly takes away some of the odd or even negative stigma. Thank goodness for that! I'd hate to find myself going through this and really thinking I was all by myself. No wonder women for so long didn't talk about it.  No one would want to admit that the one thing that makes us women, giving life, is something we are struggling with or even can't do.  But I absolutely believe in power in numbers and talking about experiences, because that is the point when we hear that we are NOT the only ones single-handedly  going through something so hard to go through in the first place, let alone feeling like you are the only one. 

As hard as I know infertility is, I am grateful for those women that have come before me and barrelled through it to bring a baby (or two or three) into this world one way or another (and that means with fertility treatment or even beyond that with adoption). And more than anything, those who have shared with me, the world, whoever their experiences. I know this is a challenge in my life, but one I know I am having for a reason.  And for that alone, that is why I am choosing to share my experience to the world (or at least the 5 people who are following me...thanks by the way. ;) It's nice to know my venting is heard.). I hope that someone will see walk on through their experience knowing that they are not alone!

The Dreaded Question

So I am sitting at my eye doctor appointment today, with the doctor who just happens to be a dad of one of my students, talking to one of his nurses, who in fact also happens to be a mother to one of my former students, engaging in small chit chat.  As I am seated with the nurse, telling her how wonderful I hear her son is doing, she starts asking how school is going and how our puppy is, making polite conversation. Then, just as if I could have timed it perfectly, she gives me a little sideways glance and asks, "So, no babies for you yet?" And of course, here's me thinking in the back of my mind...No, no babies.  Not because we aren't trying, trust me that isn't the problem, but it just so happens that some blip in the fabric of my body has decided to be stubborn and to make me REALLY work for baby making! But of course, that's not what I say.  I just kind of smile and say, "No, not yet," and quickly, but politely change the conversation.

I don't know why I dread this question.  It's not like it really bothers me in being honest with people, but I guess it is how long it takes to explain the honest response.  And part of the fact is, I can't even explain it.  I just haven't got pregnant, nor does it seem particularly easy for me to get pregnant.  And I have yet to sit down with the fertility specialist for his "diagonsis" of what could be wrong. Of course, people aren't really interested in hearing that long, drawn out explanation.  They are just curious why, after being married almost 3 years, my husband and I have not popped out a kid or two yet.  Some assume we just want to "live" life a little more; others question if we want children.  It is a question that I hear often and I have to admit, it is hard not to make a natural ugh face when people ask.  And worse yet, I don't want people feeling sorry for me.  Don't feel sorry for me.  There are worse things in the world then my little setback.  No matter what, I know there will be kids in my life, it just might be because of an unorthodox way. And if for some reason I do linger on my answer and the person catches on that we are "having problems" in that area, it is amazing the advice I find myself being offered (and believe me, my husband asked the doctor if being stressed could cause infertility...he said no). People must know me well!

I guess what I am concluding here is that want it or not, the question is going to be asked.  Now maybe I just need to find a little more humorous and  maybe fun way for me to have to answer it without getting into the specifics! Any suggestions? =)

What makes us stronger...

I often wonder why certain things happen in certain peoples lives.  I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason.  My mom always told me from a very young age, God is always around you, protecting you.  I don't consider myself really religious, but I do believe in God and I truly believe that He knows what we can all handle and what we can't.  I guess the biggest thing I am learning from this whole experience of TTC is patience.  I hear that also from all my friends who struggled to conceive.  They feel that the patience that they gained from this experience helped them to really be better moms when that little one did finally come along.  I wonder if it might also help with my patience on the road, with other drivers...who clearly are there also trying to help me with patience! =) You know, it's funny all the thoughts that struggling to conceive leads you think about.  There is that self doubt that hits every once in a while. Will I be a good mother? Am I even meant to have children? Of course, I feel deep down that I am, but I can't deny these thoughts.  No matter what, I feel that this experience, the frustration over the last two years, has ultimately made me and my hubby stronger.  If we make it through this, we can make it through anything right?! I say that right now because we are in the middle of ripping up our upstairs bathroom floor and I definitely feel that my patience is being tested, but proving to be better. LOL!

I guess my mantra these days really is just that again everything happens for a reason.  I will be a better mother (and maybe even a better wife...that would make hubby happy) when the opportunity is finally presented to me. Life, experiences of good and bad, trials and tribulations, that is what makes us stronger. As much as I don't want to say it, I might be just a little bit grateful for the strength I have gained over the past two years, and especially these last couple of months.  Heck, maybe it is just preparing me for pregnancy...or gasp, maybe this means God really has always had twins in mind for me! Boy, talk about needed preparation for that! =)

First time for everything

Well, a few weeks ago if anyone were to ask me if I have a blog, I  most likely would have said, "What"s that?" I am not what most would consider a "techie" kind of person.  Sure I can navigate the web, definitely log on to Facebook and occasionally buy a book online, but really that is the extent of it. But I have to say that recently I have had some exposure I guess you could say to the blogging world.  A friend made a recent declaration to start keeping her own blog, and after reading hers a few times, and starting to become familiar with some other blogs of similar interests, I had this feeling that I could do something like that. I know what you are thinking, "What could she have to say that would be interesting enough to share?" That's just it...I'm no one special. I am just a high school English teacher who has something witty or smart or even completely ridiculous things to say every once in a while to say. More than anything though, I am starting out on one of the most nerve-racking, most frightening, yet most exciting journeys I will ever experience (along with my adorable and loving husband) in my life...trying to conceive my first child.  Now if I have learned anything in the past 2 years of TTC, and really more in the past 6 months as I have been doing a ton more research (that is just funny in its own right...researching how to get pregnant! If I had a $1 for everytime I heard of someone who got pregnant without having to "try"...), it is that there are numerous amounts of women out there who are also experiencing problems getting pregnant. I am not trying to be an expert on this process (geez, if that were the case, I would essentially have a whole flock of kids by now, right?!), but I am willing to share my experiences along the way, the good, the bad and the ugly, with friends, family, and maybe the occasional stranger who stumbles upon this measly little blog.

So the purpose of my blog (and this first time experience of writing one) will be to track my first pregnancy and the journey it will take in getting there. My sister (my twin, older by 2 minutes who has two beautiful boys of her own), family, and friends have told me there is no greater experience than that of being pregnant and then being a mother. I will be there one day, and even if I have to get there through more modern techniques, it is the journey (feelings, thoughts, fears, joys, etc.) that I will put here in the most honest voice I can.

PS-I am an English teacher, but am the first to admit that I too make mistakes in spelling (as much as I try not to) and such, so if that is the case, please forgive me. Maybe this blogging thing will make me a better writer, spelling, and story teller along the way.